When Nothing Seems to F*cking Work.

Trigger warning: Depression and Anxiety, mentions of medication.

I exercise. Not regularly, but enough.
I reach out. I join support groups. I meet up with friends.
I “self-care”. I take a bath, I do a face mask.
I “busy myself” I redecorate my room.
I take time off work.
I don’t try to come across as “having it together”. I try to be genuine. I try to be honest.

I still need to increase my medication. This is depression and anxiety in a pandemic. You can be doing everything right. You can be going through all the motions, reading all the self-help books, meditating all the time, praying if that’s something you believe in and this still happens.

I will say it again. MENTAL HEALTH DOES NOT FOLLOW LOGIC.

I basically have studied and worked in mental health my entire professional career. I have almost a decade of experience living with it.

This is the lowest I’ve been. I’m slowly coming around to not beating myself up when my brain is not doing “the vending machine” when it comes to inputting self-care and outputting functioning.

Thankfully there is hope. This space I now occupy is not permanent. But it really sucks. I’ll be grateful when I leave it.