Was I Racist Against Myself?

I was in 2nd grade when I was made to eat Chinese food as a punishment. I don’t recall when I decided to detest it before then.

I was in 4th grade the first time I declared I was American. A boy told me I wouldn’t be president.

I was in 7th grade when a “made in China” sticker was placed on my forehead as a joke.

I was in high school when I stated I did not find Chinese men attractive.

I was in college when I vocalized how annoying Chinese tourists were when I studied abroad — not wanting to be confused as one.

I was 26 yesterday when a woman looked at me in the elevator — and hurriedly changed cars upon seeing my face.

26 years of staring in a mirror wishing for eyes that looked different.

26 years of wishing to change my hair and finally deciding to do it.

26 years of flipping the joke on its head, beating them to the punchline, degrading myself before they could think to do it themselves.

I am a Chinese Adoptee. This is what living in White Man’s World did to me.