The Morning After ( a mental health episode)
I try to do at least 3 things after an episode.
- Shower
- Change my sheets
- Contact someone I trust who is familiar with my mental health
Odds are I spent a lot of time in bed doing nothing. Well panicking and feeling like my world has been torn apart yet again is not nothing. But my self flagellating mind loves to tell me I spent a lot of time and energy doing nothing. And if I’m honest, I haven’t Showered in a bit so fresh sheets and clean body will feel good.
I make myself my favorite coffee. I’ve been conditioned to find the aroma of a coffee shop comforting. Not at all anxiety inducing time college brought. I’ve been going to coffee shops long before then, so coffee smells like home to me.
I have therapy today. Which is good, but I also have a doctors appointment, which scheduling conflicts induce more anxiety, but I’m too exhausted to care at this point.
I should say that today is spent in recovery and self care. Though last night was attempting to do the same. But I still feel guilty that my “recovery” is taking so long.
I’m not a patient person. I’m even worse when I’m sick.
And that’s what mental illness is. What sucks is that the world doesn’t see it like that. I have PTO but I’m terrified to use it or else it will cause even more stress. I can’t stop myself from overworking and over worrying.
I am so angry and disappointed at myself since it’s only been 2 weeks since my mental health sabbatical from work.
I’ve called both my therapist and my psychiatrist today. I might still be in the middle of it though the worst of it has passed. I’ve been told to be gentle with myself. Though with the pressure of work, current events of the day, trying to be a good ally, a good social worker. These are pressures I take on, but also some that were placed on me.
I’m tired. I’ve listened to Taylor Swift on repeat for the last 2 days. (Ok and 10 years prior I’ll admit to being a huge Swiftie). My poor plants have been unwatered for about a week now. I can’t find in myself the capacity to care for anything. Much less myself right now.
I’m hopeful that today will be better, as will tomorrow. I will keep taking my meds, keep reaching out. Maybe even try to get a workout in today. But the goal is to keep going. Keep moving.
