My White Adoptive Dad Witnessed a Racist Act Against Me. He Didn’t Know What To do. Neither Did I.
The following was written both before and after the Anti-Asian Hate Crimes of 3/16/21.
It was a normal day, I just returned to my apartment building in Manhattan after a long day of work. I’m a social worker, not licensed (it’s pending) so I still have to go out to work, in the office, in the field, almost daily. I was Facetiming my dad back in Texas while I was walking into my apartment building. A neighbor was waiting on the elevator doors to close, I rushed to make it — I’m of course double-masked, and if anything, I’m one of the few Americans fully vaccinated (another story) — the next thing I know, the neighbor is rushing out to wait for another car.
I silently watched the doors close as I pushed the button to my floor. Dad was silent on the screen.
“Does that happen often?”
“More than I can count”
The shock on his face could be felt through the silence. The short distance from the elevator to my apartment door, my dad said “I’m so furious right now”.
I told him that I’m tired. I’m tired of being furious. I’ve been educating others on racism online for a short time now. The transracial adoptee experience for me was always filled with these instances. The microaggressions. From the hostess at restaurants asking if I and my cousin were on a date, to getting separated from my family at an airport, and TSA not believing they were my parents.
I’ve had white friends tell me to give these people the benefit of the doubt. But that’s just it. This is my entire life. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is the default. And I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like second-class human to “giving the benefit of the doubt.”
“They’re of THAT generation, they don’t know better, they’re learning, why are you angry if they’re trying?”
I learned the term Racial Gaslighting in grad school, link to @soyouwanttotalkabout Instagram's infographic post here.
I know that other POC feel this way towards Whiteness. Why should we carry the responsibility of educating, advocating, and otherwise taking on Racism and White Supremacy when WE’RE the ones experiencing the pain of it. It’s not fair. None of it ever was.
3/20/21: Now that this week’s events have happened, we’re learning more things every day about the overlap of racism, sexism, and misogyny, I’m angry, I'm afraid, and I’m anxious.
I have been in and out of various rooms on the social media app, Club House, I’ve checked in on my Asian friends. I want to speak as my own Asian Adoptee self right now. I’ve had very few family members check in on me. I spoke to my dad yesterday and he had no idea what had happened. I’ve spent time healing in the community, I’ve been knitting, I’ve been taking the time and making space for myself. My specific healing looks like buying more plants, reading my favorite books, and being in conversation and spaces with friends.
Adoptees, please take time for yourself and reach out. We’re stronger together. White Friends and Family, please reach out to check in, but do not expect us to be the ones to expend more emotional labor to educate you.
