I Invited my White Parents to an Open Discussion about Anti-Asian Hate Crimes with Other Adoptees

Before the event:

It is exactly what it sounds like. I am inviting my southerner parents into a zoom meeting with a whole slew of East Coasters, into a zoom fishbowl event about how Asian Adoptees have felt about the AntiAsian Hate Crimes. Maybe you’ve heard about them? Maybe you haven't.

Throughout this last month, I’ve felt particularly isolated from my family members and friends outside the AAPI Community. I was hurt that they were not aware of what was happening to the community, given that I am a part of it. The shootings brought out many hurts and reminders that I oftentimes do not feel as though I am a part of it. Like I was forced into this community through my genetics, but forced into the White Man’s world through my adoption.

I had been verbally assaulted on my way to work in October. When I reported it, I was met with “I’m sorry, but at least you look cute today” remarks from my colleagues. My parents at least had the decency to sound disgusted when I told them.

One of the largest complaints from the AAPI community historically has been that of erasure. Our stories are not headlines. I recall my dad mentioning that it's horrible that hate crimes are becoming more reported, but at least people know about it now. But the hate crimes don't have to be national news for Asian News to get a spotlight. I had to tell my parents that the shootings happened in the first place. They were completely unaware.

The conversations I’ve had recently with my parents surrounding hate crimes and violence have often intersected with the conversation of gun violence and gender roles, particularly about the Georgia Shootings.

So this is the context in which my parents still reside. I since moved cross country to a city of more than 8 million. They’re about to be thrust into a live chatroom of Eastcoasters with zero prior knowledge of my internalized feelings of the racism I experienced growing up. They do not know what to do to support me, nor have they discussed this issue with other adoptive parents. This is exactly why I sent them the link to sign up.

After:

Well, it's the morning after the event. Overall we had 100 people signed up, a majority of them White Adoptive Parents. The adoptee discussion at the beginning definitely was telling due to the sheer lack of adoptee voices being raised when given a chance to speak. I wonder how many were conscious that their parents, among others, might have been listening in. I know I was worried about what my own parents would hear. So I filtered myself. I wonder how many of the other adoptees perceived this as a truly safe space.

How do we even begin to explain the roots of anti-Asian racism when we barely know it ourselves. We who are so detached from our heritage and the prime examples of assimilation into white society. It shouldn't be our responsibility to teach our parents about racism that they never thought we’d encounter. And yet, here we are.

I definitely know that my parents got a great deal out of the event. Many parents did, in fact. But I wonder what adoptees got out of it. Personally, I found the adoptee only space a week prior much more healing. It felt like the parent space- while beneficial for them- took the whole event and made it what adoptees most fear; about the Adoptive Parents.

Few spaces are truly our own. The ones we make for ourselves will often become invaded or even disenfranchised by adoptive parents or potential adoptive parents, gaslighted into believing that we are wronging the adoptive parents with our truths even when we identify with the victims of violence often perpetrated by those who look like our adoptive families. I cannot begin to explain the amount of doubt I have sifted through in my lifetime. When I was told, I oversimplified, misremembered, overreacted, even by close friends.

What I wished my parents got from the event was not all that was said but rather what was left unsaid.