An Asian Woman Was Brutally Murdered. It Could Have Been Me.

I woke up this morning feeling heavy. I’m safe in my Manhattan apartment. But Michelle Alyssa Go did not. Yesterday she was pushed in front of a downtown train. One that I use quite often. I was at the station later in the day and all seemed like it had never happened. She was pushed around 9:45AM but I was there approximately 8 hours later. Not even a year ago, when I was working in all 5 boroughs for the NYC foster care system, did I post a series on my instagram stories about the fears I had taking public transportation. I no longer work in foster care and work mostly from home now. A huge privilege not afforded to many now that COVID is nearing its 3 year anniversary.

This was an unprovoked attack. It was senseless violence that has increased in New York City more than 300% during this pandemic agains Asians. Unfortunately this will not be pursued as a hate crime as the perpetrator presented with severe mental health issues.

I am at a loss at what to think right now. I don’t know what to feel. This seems eerily similar to my reaction to last years shootings in Georgia that killed 6 Asian Women.

But this is different. This feels different. This is my home. Or what I’ve called home the last 4 years. This happened at a station I pass regularly, on a train I use weekly. I’m grappling with the reality of the situation. It really could have been me.

My social work brain wants me to look at the systems in place that might have led to this tragedy. Housing inequity, homelessness, systemic racism, but what my heart is feeling is hurt. There’s that part of me that doesn’t want to rationalize this. I crave reassurance that things will be ok to an uncertainness that screams back at me. I’ve heard from my support community. My adoptive parents have been busy and I imagine that they don’t know what to do. They’ve always been apprehensive of me living here to begin with.

I am weary and do not know how to move forward. It’s not something that can be ignored but the fatigue I feel going into this is enough to make me want to sleep for hours on end. I will work in the coming days to care for myself. To care for others. I said this following the Atlanta Shooting and I will restate it here. I heal best in community.